Change and Existentialism


First of all, I had planned a blog-post for New Year’s day, but the internet crashed and I lost my draft, so I apologise for the lack of christmas/new year post. It was really motivational and everything, but sadly it will never be read.

We’re now over a week into 2016 and I don’t know about you, but there’s something about January that’s really scary.  I always feel a sense of obligation at the beginning of a new year to “do better” than last year, to do all the things I’ve been putting off. Maybe being a winter baby makes a difference too, my “new years” start at nearly the same time, I have to be more mature and more … everything at the same time! I swing back and forth between being determined to change and just not being bothered at all, and in the end I just beat myself up about it without actually doing anything. But of course every year will be different.

This year I hope will actually be different, I want to become a swiss citizen (and I have slightly more incentive as my Dad is definitely considering maybe moving back to England in the distant future) and I want to become stronger in my faith, which is a continual challenge. I guess new years all bring the question “is this it?” and don’t get me wrong “this” is pretty great, I have a very privileged life, and I’m very grateful, but the doubts and discontent still stay, sometimes they’re less obvious, but they’re still always there. Why are we so discontent? That’s the reason for all faith isn’t it? We’re seeking contentment and we find it in God.

Still I’m so stuck in my ways that even to change for the better ssometimes seems like more effort than it’s worth. We live love laugh like we’re told but in the quiet moments of deep thought doesn’t it all just seem pointless? What’s it all for? Rushing from place to place, leading healthy lives,making as much money as possible, and all for what? It’s not like we can hoard stuff after we die.

My faith tells me that there is a point, that when we die we will be reunited witg God permanently and I firmly believe that. I’m just not sure how to deal with it. It seems so easy to blame God for so many things, even when I know there’s no point to it. Why did you make me this way? Why am I not “normal”? etc. There’s no point in those questions. Either believe in a good God or don’t. Just don’t  get stuck somewhere in between, because if God is real the one thing he/she/it definitely isn’t, it’s human.

I guess that’s my “new year’s resolution”: to get to know God and stop blaming him for my problems. Which, lets face it, aren’t really problems. I mean, if I was different I would still have existential crises. Juat about other stuff. We have no choice in what we are, but we can choose what to do with what we’re given. We have the ability to make the best out of life. We just have to realise it.

So this year I mean to live consciously and make the best out of life, no matter what it throws at me. It will be a good year, I’m sure of that :).

To end on a high and stop the bottomless pit of existential questions, I will conclude by wishing you all the best in this year as well 😉




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